Simple is Better – Start with the end in mind

Matthew 5:3-9 – “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the humble, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Live the kind of life so that when the end comes, people don’t have to lie.

I’m not sure who said this. Or if the quote can be attributed to one particular person. But there’s truth in this statement. And I am often reminded of this statement when I am at a funeral or a memorial service for a loved one. How important it is to begin with the end in min.

It happened again yesterday. Hubby Rick and I attended the service for a lovely woman who used to be our neighbor, Kathleen. When we became Kathleen’s neighbor, her husband had passed away. In her 80’s, Kathleen was very independent. She was a proper lady who dressed well, was particular about her house and yard and knew how she felt about most everything. Over the next several years, I saw Kathleen change. How far she drove became shorter. Her son Tom took care of her yard, flowers and other home projects. Kathleen was not as strong as she used to be. She did the best she could with the goal of remaining safely in her home as long as possible.

At some point, I began visiting Kathleen every weekend. Cooking was now more difficult. While meals on wheels were delivered for her weekday lunch, I hoped to make the dinner meal a bit easier by dropping off a few things she could easily heat up. Kathleen loved any sweet bread with her coffee and welcomed a loaf of quick bread, muffins, cookies or some other sweet.

While Kathleen appreciated the food, she really valued our conversations. We sat in her “front room” and talked about all different kinds of things. Our families, what we had worked on throughout the week and what was going on in the world. Kathleen shared the difficult news when one of her grandsons died by suicide. When COVID became a concern, I called Kathleen and suggested our visits take a break. Kathleen was emphatic. She wouldn’t be getting out of the house at all now. She loved conversations and visitors. She needed someone to visit her and requested I continue our visits.

So I did. We safely distanced ourselves and didn’t touch each other for a long while. At times, we skipped a week to error on caution. Those weekly visits became so important for both of us.

With both of my parents deceased, Kathleen became an elder person in my life that I could seek wisdom from. I found a person who I could listen to and who would listen to me with little judgement and honest care. We chatted about historical events and how these situations compared to our modern era. If we were going to be gone for a weekend, I would make a quick visit before we left and call her when we returned. Kathleen could look out a window in her TV room and catch glimpses of what was going on at our house. We picked her raspberries, chased bats out of her house and watered her flowers when it was going to be a day or two before one of her children stopped by.

I am not the only person in our neighborhood who enjoyed Kathleen. All of our neighbors did. For years, Kathleen worked at the village hall. She knew everyone in town and everyone knew Kathleen. In fact, Kathleen and her family lived in our house before they moved into the house across the street. If I needed some historical perspective, Kathleen was always willing to share. Yet, she also knew how to respect a person’s privacy and when it was appropriate to be careful with her words.

Why do I share this story about Kathleen? Several reasons.

• Kathleen taught me the value of wisdom. She had wisdom beyond my years and would gladly share it when asked. If you don’t have a regular and consistent relationship with a wise person, seek one out. Nurture it. Value it. All of us can benefit from the experience and knowledge of a humble person who is wise beyond their years; no matter what their age. Embrace the benefit of this.

• Get to know your neighbors. The day we moved from Poynette was sad for both Kathleen and me. Yes, we continued to text and call. But there is something about geography and knowing someone literally across the street loves and cares for you. Over the years, we have had several wonderful neighbors which makes living in a particular neighborhood special. Kathleen is one of those people in my life.

• Surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be. Kathleen lived by so many of the values I feel are critical. She lived her faith, loved her family, was involved in her community and truly wanted to help those in need. As her health and situation changed, she still found ways to support and be a part of what was important to her. She inspires me.  

• Kathleen knew how to combine the sadness of grief with the joy of knowing every day was a gift. She laughed, enjoyed a good glass of wine and loved being the matriarch of her family. She was also very reflective when her grandson died. Last year, her son died. By then, she was living at an assisted living. We had several visits after Tom’s death. Grief was not a topic she shied away from. We had very frank conversations about the really important things in life. I wish we would all be as comfortable as Kathleen was in having the hard conversations.

Did I see Kathleen as much these last three years as I had previously? Honestly, no. In different seasons in our lives where we put our time and energy shifts. Would I have loved one last visit with Kathleen? Of course. Yet, I appreciate the many, many visits we had. None were taken for granted by either of us. We easily ended our visits with, “I love you” and meant it.

When Hubby Rick and I pulled into the church parking lot for Kathleen’s service yesterday, we were shocked. There was barely a parking spot available. This is not the norm when the deceased is 94-years-old. It speaks volumes about who Kathleen was and how she lived her life.

A noteworthy part of the service? The priest had so many truths to share. She lived her life in such a way that lies were not necessary. When her young great-grandsons presented the gifts for communion, I simply thought to myself, Kathleen would be so proud. Those boys may not always remember a lot about their great-grandmother but I pray the memory of being able to do this as one last gift for their great-grandmother will stick.

People do not always remember what you say. They may not remember what you did for them. But people will always remember how you treated them. I will always remember the graciousness by which Kathleen treated me. The honesty she expressed in our private conversations. The values she modeled for me daily. I pray that you have someone who is a Kathleen in your life. If not, go find one. I’m sure glad that I moved next door to a lovely woman named Kathleen and that she became my friend.

Blessings –

Dianne

Holy God – Thank you for bringing special people into our lives. For the gifts and graces they model and share with us. Encourage me to be the kind of friend and neighbor that speaks to what I value and appreciate. And that I embrace Jesus’ call to keep in perspective what Your kingdom values. Amen.

Have you lost a loved one recently? Explore Chapter 7 of Unraveling Together: Sharing the Threads of Grief which is called “The Empty Seat at the Table.” Books and other empathy merchandise available at https://www.simplewordsoffaith.com/category/our-store.

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