Simple Is Better – The Three Ads, not stages, of Grief

 Psalm 34:18 – The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

I’ve spent the last several months, well, actually years, contemplating the difficult role of grief in our lives. How grief is so much more of our lives than we honestly want to allow for it. Yes, we experience grief with death. But we also experience grief with so many other life experiences. Health concerns, loss of job, broken relationships, addition . . . the list goes on and on and on.

Decades ago, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about different stages of grief in her book, On Death and Dying. She wanted to provide a framework for learning to live without the one we lost. Initially, her comments were more for the dying person than those who have lost a loved one. Later, she co-authored a book with David Kessler called On Grief & Grieving where they explored how the initial five stages of grief have evolved. While the stages of grief are helpful, they have limitations. They share how every person has their own unique response to grief which means there really is no typical loss. The stages of grief were also developed specifically around the death of a loved one. They may or may not be helpful with other forms of grief.

Quite honestly, my experience of grief really looks more like this diagram than an expected progression through a series of stages of grief.

Over time, I’ve thought about how I might condense grief into just a few words. This is really quite impossible. There’s just too much with grief. Grief is never a nice linear progression from one stage to the next. Nope, it’s a shift back and forth through a whole bunch of emotions and feelings. Because grief is so unique for each person, doling out hard-and-fast interpretations are risky.

Yet sometimes thinking of something in easy-to-remember terms is so helpful. That’s why I’m offering these three simple words often experience in grief. Think of them as a billboard ad, but not stages of grief: mad, sad and bad. If I were to create a catchy, simple ad about grief, these are the words I would use.

Mad because anger is definitely part of grief. Anger because we have been “blessed” with a particular situation. Mad because our anticipated future is forever changed. Irritated because we’ve already been dealt our fair share of grief and we’ve just had another situation lopped into our lap.

Sad because we are giving up something terribly important to us and our loved ones. Heart-broken because our time, energy and attention is now circumvented by something we don’t want. Let down because we can’t go back to before this awful event in our lives.

Bad because we’re mad and sad. Hurt because we can’t change or affect the outcome. Bad because so many other people’s lives have been turned upside down as well.

Certainly, there are so many more reasons why we will feel mad, sad and bad. These are just the tip of the iceberg. These are simply a starting point for trying to understand raw emotions.

Last fall, Tatiana Schlossberg wrote a beautiful essay, A Battle with My Blood, that carefully explores her mad, sad and bad emotions related to a leukemia diagnosis. Tatiana is John F Kennedy, Jr.’s granddaughter. Her mother is Caroline Kennedy. Tatiana was diagnosed with leukemia within hours of birthing her second child. At the time, her husband was a urology resident. When her parents brought her two-year-old son to the hospital to meet his new sister, Tatiana was being moved off the ob floor and to the oncology floor.

For the next two plus years, this brave woman journeyed through treatment, additional diagnosis that surfaced as a result of her cancer treatment and two rounds of stem cell treatment. Her family raised her children. After her cousin became Secretary of Health and Human Services and radically changed U.S. medical care and research, her reliance on the health-care system felt strained and shaky. Funding for her husband’s research and job became questionable. As funding for the trials that might provide her only chance for remission were cancelled and necessary medications came under review, her options diminished.

And yet, she wrote this beautiful essay about her life. Her grief. While she does not use the words “mad, sad and bad,” their presence is present throughout her words. She expresses her feelings carefully crafted in such a way that they aren’t named but felt while reading her words.

Think about a grief event in your life. How were you mad? Sad? Felt bad? Honestly, these feelings continue for years. A smell, thought or memory may flood you with another wave of emotions tied to this event. This is normal. Even with some distance from the actual event, we are easily riveted back to early recollections. Just when we think we’ve dealt with the mad, sad and bad of our grief, it reappears. Hijacks our lives once again. Washes over us and stalls us. Even with distance, we may experience daily reminders of how our lives were forever changed.

Tatiana Schlossberg passed away on Dec. 30, 2025. She was 35-years-old. Life often feels so unfair. Tatiana’s mother, Caroline, lost her father as a young girl. Now, she is helping raise her grandchildren who lost a parent.

Grief is real. We can’t put it in neat, nice categories. Yet we can allow ourselves to be mad, sad and feel bad all at the same time. These are the themes found in Unraveling Together: Sharing the Threads of Grief. The book gives you permission to explore all of your mad, sad and bad feelings about grief, as well as many more. It might be helpful for you or someone you know going through a challenging time. May I encourage you to explore grief in a safe place through the words found here.

Blessings –

Dianne

Lord God – Sometimes emotions flood us faster than we can keep up. They may be raw and overwhelming. They may also be chaotic, distracting and feel like they may never end. Help us simply admit our feelings. Name our emotions. Become okay with them rather than trying to drive them away. As we share our grief stories, may we find comfort in knowing we struggle just as others do. Amen.

Looking for a bit of daily inspiration? Check out my daily affirmation posts on Facebook and Instagram (Dianne Deaton Vielhuber and Simple Words of Faith.)

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Attend one of my upcoming book events!

Tues., Mar. 10 – Concordia UMC, Prairie du Sac, WI, 10 AM

Sat., Mar. 21 – Poynette Area  Library, Poynette, WI, 10 AM