Simple Is Better – When We Want the Pain to Go Away

Colossians 3:12 – Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience . . .

As I sat with the family in the hospital, the pain was visible on the family’s faces as they watched their loved one slowly slip away. They had said their good-byes. They had professed their love. They said they were at peace in letting their beautiful parent be removed from the machines keeping their life alive.

And yet? The pain was visible. Raw. Excruciating. As tears slid down cheeks and sobs broke forth, my heart broke as I watched these people let their loved one die, knowing their pain was just beginning.

There would be many future dates of pain and suffering. Hurt and disbelief. Wanting to go back in time and hold their loved one again.

In grief, sometimes, we just want the pain to go away.

We’re tired. Exhausted. The hurt and pain do not take a break. How will we get through it? When will the pain be less severe?

But maybe we have it wrong about grief. Maybe we’re focusing on the wrong thing.

The goal of grief is not to stop feeling pain.

Nope. It isn’t. As much as we want the pain to simply disappear, this really shouldn’t be the goal. Here’s a more helpful and realistic approach:

It is giving permission to be aware of our heart’s pain so we can be kind to ourselves, care for our needs and have empathy for others.

How often I have heard from someone that they simply want the pain to go away. While good in theory, reality is different. We can’t simply take a pill and expect our pain to go away. It’s still there. Rooted in our heart and soul. Lying just under the surface, ready to explode when the conditions are right.

Our culture has a tricky relationship with pain. Some people are so pain resistant that many people will do whatever it takes to remove pain. Others delay dealing with the pain for as long as possible. What this really says is that we are terribly uncomfortable with pain.

Seldom does pain simply go away. Rather than trying to get rid of our pain, how can we shift our perspective about pain? Shift our perspective away from pain removal and into how we can honestly let the pain adjust our behavior?

Begin with simply honoring our pain. Allow pain to have its day, week, month year. And then, figure out how to live with the hurt and suffering. Here’s a few ways we can begin this shift.

Give permission to be aware of our heart’s pain. We can’t deal with anything unless we are aware of it and willing to honor it. Yes, it sounds silly but simply let it be. Too often, we try to rush through things rather than letting it have its day. If we just let pain be, maybe, it will quiet itself a bit. Become less noisy in our lives. Realize that it doesn’t have to always have the main stage.

Instead of trying to drive it away, give it permission to be. To sit with you. Tell it that its OK to be in your life and it can stay as long as it needs to.

Why is this important? When YOU give something permission, then it often quiets down. It’s not so noisy. Loud. Demanding.

Be kind to yourself. Many people are really good at doing something to mask their pain. They turn to alcohol, drugs, shopping, anything that will give a quick dopamine hit to mask the pain. While there is often immediate relief, the pain is still there. Lurking right below the surface.

We are often far more kind towards anyone other than ourselves in a tough situation. We offer more compassion and grace to someone going through pain. For ourselves? We expect much quicker and immediate results.

Being kind to yourself means giving yourself all the time you need to work through this. At your pace. In healthy ways rather than destructive ways.

Care for your needs. “Am I doing OK with this situation?” Only you can really answer this question. Think about how you are caring for yourself. Are you giving yourself space? Slowing down for moments to simply be? Caring for your body? Acknowledging that your whole self needs care? Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You can’t do all of these equally but being aware that each area needs attention is important.

When you do these things, then you have more empathy for others. Empathy in that while you don’t know how the other person feels, you can honor their feelings. Listen to them. Help them if possible. Simply let them know you care for them and love them.

One way we can grow through our pain is to let our experience influence how we respond to someone else going through a difficult time. Their situation is theirs and will be different from yours. Yet, you can reflect upon what was helpful for you in the moment and offer this to someone else. If it’s not what they need in the moments, move on. Let them share what would be helpful and try to serve them in this way.

As much as we want pain to go away, may we slow down enough to know that pain removal isn’t really the priority. Being kind to ourselves, caring for our needs and then being able to express empathy to others is really more important as we deal with our hurt and pain. May this be where we put our focus and energy. I think we’ll get better results as well.

Blessings –

Dianne

Holy God – When we just want the pain to go away, help us shift our perspective and discover other ways to journey through our pain. May we come to You for guidance with things just are difficult. Amen.

Looking for a bit of daily inspiration? Check out my daily affirmation posts on Facebook and Instagram (Dianne Deaton Vielhuber and Simple Words of Faith.)

Dianne’s Upcoming Unraveling Together Book Events:

Sun., Aug. 9 – Willow Valley United Methodist Church Worship Service, 10 AM, 24811 State Hwy 58 Richland Center, WI – located in Ithaca, WI