Simple is Better: When pain is supported, suffering adjusts.
Health care providers ask this question regularly: On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being over the top, what is your pain level?
Usually, this question refers to physical pain. You’ve just had surgery. You are experiencing pain, known or unknown. The question helps the provider understand how severe and immediate the pain is.
Yes, pain is relative. What is a 9 for someone may not be the same 9 for another person. We can think of the person who has any amount of pain is a 9 versus the person who is extremely pain tolerant. For them, a 9 means there really, really is a lot of pain.
As often as this question is asked about physical pain, how often do we ask this about grief pain? The pain as a result of a significant loss in our lives?
Truth? No one has ever asked me to rank my grief pain. Rarely, have I asked this of someone else. Yet, the concept of pain is just a real, debilitating and significant.
Like physical pain, grief pain is real. And it can be too much. Grief pain may show up in various ways in our lives. We have a difficult time focusing. We feel constantly distracted and find it hard to stay on task. We lack energy and motivation to do things important to us.
Grief permeates throughout our bodies. We undervalue how grief literally shows up physically. Sometimes it appears as physical pain such as headaches, achiness or other pain. Other times it is a lack of energy to do normal things and a lack of desire to even try to do things.
This “pain” is unique for each person and exhibits itself in ways that are not always consistent from person to person. What is important is to be aware that this pain may pop up, even when you feel you are handling things okay.
What is the best way to handle this pain? Get support. Friends ask how they can help and support you. When the pain becomes too much, ask one of those friends to support you. Identify what you most need and ask someone to help you.
Call in people to help you work through the “pain” in ways that make sense for you. Maybe this is asking someone to actually help you with something. Provide meals or take care of errands such as picking up a prescription or groceries. Driving you to an appointment. Providing childcare. Mowing your lawn. Helping with the laundry.
Sometimes, it’s not doing something physically for you but supporting you in other ways. Call the person who is a good listener and ask them to just listen. Ask someone to go on a walk with you so you get some physical movement outside. Maybe a hug or a squeeze of the hand is what you need right now.
These actions do not guarantee the pain will magically disappear. What does happen is that your brain and body discover that you are supported. They have an avenue to offload some of the pain and discover opportunities for healing. Interestingly, this healing may not require a ton of effort. Even the smallest action can make a huge difference in your perspective and how you feel supported.
Most often, people want to support someone going through pain, whether it’s a 5 on the pain scale or a 10. They just don’t know how. Be selfish. Ask for support. Be specific. Be clear about your ask, and often, people are thankful that you reached out to them and asked for help.
Do not become discouraged if someone says “no.” Keep asking until you get a “yes.” This is for you and the other person. Sometimes, it’s just finding the right person.
Offloading pain isn’t comfortable. Think about how you felt when you were able to help someone else. Now, give another person this same opportunity to help you. People want to help. They just don’t always know now.
One of the best ways to lower your pain number is to get support. It’s out there. Just ask.
Blessings –
Dianne
Looking for a card to support someone going through disappointment right now? Check out these cards!
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