Simple is Better – Feeling All of Our Emotions and Feelings

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 –  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

I was with a friend who recently lost his second child. His youngest son died many years ago from cancer. Within the last few months, his eldest son died as a result of heart disease. He talked about the most recent loss matter-of-factly. In February, he spent a week with his son before his death. Together, they recalled favorite memories from years past, ate at great restaurants, and drank fine wine. Last weekend, his family celebrated his son’s life at a service. My friend spoke during the service. He shared lighter moments from his son’s life, including a time when his son was convinced that he could complete a difficult 10-mile off-road bike ride. My friend did not. It nearly killed him, he said.

At different times while my friend shared, his eyes got a little misty. A couple times, he paused. My friend and I have chatted more than once about the more difficult topics of life: war, separation from family, disease, and loss. These aren’t new topics for us. And still, it is difficult to navigate them, even in friendship.

My friend confided that he finds it easier to share with me some of the things we chatted about than with many other people. Sharing our emotions and feelings isn’t easy. It’s often difficult to admit to someone else our full range of emotions. Often, we share the ones we are comfortable with rather than being completely honest.

Here’s the deal: we are designed to have positive and negative emotions. Half of our emotions are negative. Unless we experience challenging emotions, we will never know the full beauty of positive ones. We can’t experience one without the other.

I’ve spent a significant part of my life trying to keep my emotions and feelings within a designated “safe” zone. A zone where I feel they are more manageable. Where I can try and control them. The challenge with this? If I want to fully experience the greatest happiness in my life, I will only know how much joy I can experience by also understanding the greatest pain and suffering. I can’t experience one end of the spectrum without the other. When I keep my “safe” zone in place, I guard myself from the greatest pain, but I am also limiting the greatest joy I will ever experience as well.

When negative emotions bubble up as grief, we tend to push them down. When we hide our feelings, an unhealthy buildup of those emotions often happens. They may build up to the point that they feel suffocating. When this happens, our first reaction is often to neutralize these emotions. To cover them up some way so that they don’t have to deal with them. We each pick our way of covering them up. Limiting them. Trying to keep them hidden.

And yet, this isn’t really dealing with them at all. It’s just delaying or deferring them. My experience is that eventually they will come tumbling out. Suppressed emotions have a way of surprising us and wreaking havoc eventually. Often we don’t expect them or want them to come out.

What’s the alternative? Sit with them. As long as necessary. Rather than holding it together, feel the weight of them. Have the courage to be present with the difficult and overwhelming emotions so that we can survive disappointment, hurt, and pain. Become okay with these intense moments knowing that because we have experienced them, the potential for even more joy and happiness has been expanded.

Most of our emotions only last a few moments. The challenge is that even in just those few moments, we have an overwhelming urge to do something. To get rid of the pain. If we wait, the urge will often go away as quickly as it arrives. We just have to give the emotions space and time. When we let our emotions float to the surface, they have space to go through us. We give them permission to be released and leave us.

When we don’t sit with our emotions and feel them, the emotions linger longer. They feel more intense and become more difficult to release. It’s like carrying an imaginary backpack with 40 extra pounds on your back. Early on, you carry the additional weight. After a while, the weight becomes increasingly more difficult to carry. We complain and wish we could get rid of the weight. Grief is the weight. It’s the extra weight we are carrying around.

When we decide it’s time to take off the backpack of grief and honor our loss, we acknowledge that joy can be part of our lives; even in the midst of grief.

The Apostle Paul wrote the words in 2 Corinthians. He admits that he’s been carrying around “a thorn” for a while. We don’t know what this thorn is. He never tells us. What he shares is that three times, he begged God to remove it. But God didn’t. Instead, Paul discovered that all he needed was God’s grace. Eventually, Paul discovered that he could talk about his weakness. He let Christ work through him and his thorn. He became okay with the insults, the hardships, the persecutions, and the troubles he had to suffer. When he admitted these challenges, then he found strength. In Christ. In himself.

Wow. Most of us would not think that we can find strength in our weaknesses. In time, Paul did. This is how he dealt with this suffering and pain. He let Christ carry it with him. And in the process, he came to a new understanding of his faith and himself.

At times, I question myself. Am I feeling the full range of emotions in my life right now, or am I keeping myself in a safe zone? Safe zones can feel comfortable. Well, safe. And yet, I also know that when I expand this zone and allow myself to feel my pain and suffering more intensely, I also reap the benefit of feeling even more joy in my life. It’s a choice that I feel is worth it.

My friend continues to work through his feelings and emotions since his son’s death. This takes time. Patience. Being honest with himself. I encouraged him to experience the full range of emotions of life right now. The good moments as well as the challenging ones. For unless we experience challenging emotions, we will never know the full beauty of the positive ones.

I honestly believe God created us to experience all the emotions. The good and the bad. The most joyous ones along with the most difficult and challenging ones. I pray we allow ourselves to experience the full range as well.

Blessings –

Dianne

Loving God – Be with us as we experience the full range of our emotions and feelings. May we give ourselves permission to experience every single one of them. May I have confidence that You will be with me as I experience them. May I be patient when challenging emotions erupt. Help me let them pass through me. May I depend upon Christ to help me through my weaknesses and see Christ as the place where I can find strength. Amen.

Looking for a bit of daily inspiration? Check out my daily affirmation posts on Facebook and Instagram (Dianne Deaton Vielhuber and Simple Words of Faith.)

If you're walking through grief or another difficult season, I hope my book, Unraveling Together: Sharing the Threads of Grief, offers you the same encouragement and hope I've shared here. It was written to gently walk alongside you, reminding you that you never have to face grief alone. Learn more or order your copy here.