Simple is Better – Digging Deep in Grief and Knowing When to Take a Break

Romans 12:15 – Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

At the time when Verna and I sat together over steaming cups of tea, it was near the fifth anniversary of her husband Don’s death. A very active, vibrant and giving couple, everyone knew their names in the small community where they lived. When situations required diplomacy and thoughtful leadership, Don was the guy.

But then, Don died. The night he died felt like a normal evening. Home watching a college basketball game, Don had a heart attack and quickly passed. Hundreds, and I mean hundreds, of shocked people attended his visitation and funeral. Don was too young, too active and too giving to have his life end so abruptly.

Five years later Verna’s pain remains near the surface. She describes Don’s death as “an earth-shattering experience.” She feels guilty when her thoughts do not include him all the time. “But he can’t be my only thought,” Verna says.

Verna knows that a death does not end a relationship. It changes it. Don enters Verna’s world when certain songs come on the car radio. Verna and her family talk about him regularly. “We’re always commenting about something that reminds us of him,” she says. Honoring the loneliness, Verna thinks, “Don, you are jerk for leaving me here!” While Verna has tons of precious memories, she pushes away the memories from the night Don died because she does not want to relive them.

In many ways, Verna has moved on. She sold the property where they lived and moved into a smaller house. She travels to see family and hangs out with friends. Generally, she feels good about life. But she misses Don’s companionship. When she sees a community need Don could have filled, she bemoans that he cannot be part of it.

Verna has discovered the art of knowing when to dig deep in grief and when to take a break. She celebrates Don’s life regularly as she goes through the box of cards she received after Don’s death. She finds it comforting to read beautiful handwritten notes. When she physically sees someone who sent her a note, she remembers what they wrote in her darkest hours. Working part-time gets Verna out of the house and around people a couple days a week. She purposely chooses to work on Don’s birthday and the anniversary of his death so she is not alone.

In grief, we make choices. We choose whether to remain frozen by disappointment and grief or to honor our new emotions. Yes, we must give ourselves time and space to experience the range of emotions. When the time is appropriate, we can discover how to use pain and suffering in helpful ways. As an active participant in her grief journey, Verna continues to explore this fine line. She serves others generously, is honest with her grief and has discovered a new level of compassion for others.

I admire how Verna has discovered how to oscillate between the work and the rest of grief. She gives herself time to sit with her emotions and feel all of her feelings. And yet, she also has ways that she must look beyond her suffering and continue to live. Verna has let healing seeds of grief sprout in her life while at the same time acknowledge that her life is very different without Don. Verna knows she cannot live with negative emotions 100 percent of the time. Instead, she knows when to dig deep and when to take a break as she embraces the work and the rest of grief.

Grief takes as long as it takes. Grief does not have a timetable or an end date. What worked for someone you know may not be the same for you or someone else. A helpful question to ask yourself or someone else going through grief is this: “How can I love you (or myself) right now?” And then, do it.

We can should ourselves. A lot. Try to convince ourselves that what we are doing is not correct. Instead, take a minute. Extend yourself compassion. Set aside the shoulds and be clear about who you truly are in this moment. Allow yourself to struggle. Love yourself along with the disappointments. And slowly, when you are ready, explore how you are doing today.

We cannot deal with our emotions unless we name them. Name your deep inner feelings. Explore (and save) this emotional wheel which gives us suggestions of words we can use to describe our emotions. Get specific. Pick out the one or two words that speak to you today. Repeat it on subsequent days going forward. See how your emotions change.

Emotional Wheel: Naming your emotions can be an important step in working through grief and understanding what you're truly feeling.

When ready, pick one thing you can do to help move forward with your pain and suffering. Keep it easy. Simple. Low hanging fruit. Establish a deadline for this action and keep it. This is how you love yourself through the work of grief while still giving yourself space to experience all your grief feelings and emotions.

A couple of years later, I had lunch with Verna again. We talked about Don, how she misses him and where she finds joy and contentment in her life. Daily. Why has Verna navigated grief so well? Because she knew when to wait with her grief. When to move forward with action. When to distinguish between the two.

There is no correct grief process. There’s only your grief process. Yet, there are ways that you can work through it and discover that your life continues to have amazing moments. Today, yesterday and tomorrow. Discover your right pace for working and resting with your grief. You’ll be glad that you did.

Blessings –

Dianne

Dear God – Sometimes it is so hard to move on. While we want hope and happiness, we are afraid not to honor what has happened. Help me know when to sit with my disappointment and let it be. And then when to move forward and take steps towards healing. Guide me daily through this journey. Amen.

Looking for a bit of daily inspiration? Check out my daily affirmation posts on Facebook and Instagram (Dianne Deaton Vielhuber and Simple Words of Faith.)

Looking for more guidance for your or a friend’s grief journey? Check out Unraveling Together: Sharing the Threads of Grief. For more insights and helpful information related to knowing when to dig deep and when to be in your grief, turn to Chapter 15: Can I Laugh Again: The Seeds of Healing.