Simple Is Better – Death Doesn’t End a Relationship

John 11:35 – Jesus wept.

“We know nothing about life until it is too late,” widow Sue said. “We believe we have time to do so many things. Travel. Time with family. All these things we’re going to do to enjoy life. Then, one day, you don’t have the luxury of time.

Sue and I ate salads as the one-year anniversary of the death of her husband Arden approached. In her mid-60s, Sue didn’t anticipate being a widow at this age. Prostrate cancer changed her plans.

“With Arden’s death, it’s just not an empty seat,” Sue said with carefully chosen words. “It’s making the bed and knowing only one person has slept in it. It’s opening a bathroom drawer and seeing his things. It’s shuffling through the mail and finding an envelope addressed to him. When I forget what he smells like, I run to the closet so I can smell him. But I’m good at laundry; maybe too good.”

Empty seats are created every time a loved one passes away. Every loss is significant, unique and important. You may not know the full impact of the person in your life until they are gone. When the chair is empty and life doesn’t feel the same.

While things are totally different, here’s the deal. Death doesn’t end a relationship. It changes it.

Think about this. Relationships do not end in death. They are simply changed.

This has been my experience. I think about important relationships in my life almost every day. I’m typing these words on what would have been my dad’s 93rd birthday. Yep, I’ve thought about him multiple times today. Things I wish I could tell him. Ask him. Explore with him. While I can’t do these things, my relationship with him is very much alive. It’s just different.

I can’t pick up the phone and call him. But his phone number? It’s still in my phone. My nephew uses Dad’s old cell phone number. Every time my nephew calls, Dad’s name pops up on my screen. Is this weird? It doesn’t matter. It’s what makes sense to me. I love having his name show up on my screen.

Sometimes, people ask me what the right way to grief is. Truth? There is no one right way. It’s what makes sense to you. As long as you don’t break the law, get arrested or hurt someone else, be creative. Remember your loved one in the way that is meaningful to you. A phone with your loved one’s name still on it may not resonate with someone else. That’s okay. Find what resonates with you.

People ask me if it’s okay to talk with their loved one. Absolutely! My grandma Deaton shared with me that she spoke nightly to her husband, my grandpa Deaton. She’d look at his photo and have a conversation. Some people feel a closeness to a particular person at a specific place. This is where they chat with their loved one. I don’t think it has to be a specific time/place/reason/position. You do you. What draws you close to this person.

Are there times people want confirmation about something from their loved one? Yes. I caution people from expecting a specific answer. Can we notice things and think our loved one is trying to share something with us? Of course. Keep this in check as you might be disappointed when an answer doesn’t come.

Does Sue still feel she has a relationship with her deceased husband Arden? Absolutely. Yes, it’s different. Yes, she wanted more time. More adventures. More memories. It’s okay to share this with your loved one. This is how we keep the relationship alive. Interacting with our loved one regularly. In ways that make sense to us. Exploring how we can keep a great relationship even as it has changed.

Empty seats are hard. Difficult. Make us feel sad. Yet, we can still find joy and happiness with the deceased person. We just have to be a bit creative. Thoughtful. Intentional.

Blessings –

Dianne

Dear God – When I look at Jesus’ relationships with special people in his life, we see how important relationships were to him. May I use his example of prioritizing these relationships in my life. Re-enforce to me that even after a special person has died, I’m still in relationship with them. Amen.

Looking for a bit of daily inspiration? Check out my daily affirmation posts on Facebook and Instagram (Dianne Deaton Vielhuber and Simple Words of Faith.)

Dianne’s Upcoming Unraveling Together Book Events:

Sun., Aug. 9 – Willow Valley United Methodist Church Worship Service, 10 AM, 24811 State Hwy 58 Richland Center, WI – located in Ithaca, WI