Simple is Better: Grief cannot be fixed. It can only be carried
I’ve spent most of my life being a fixer.
Someone drop the ball. I step in.
Something take longer than expected and finishing the project on time feels impossible? I make the possible happen.
Someone need a snack, drink, drive to a location or something for school? Sure, I’ll drop what I’m doing and make it happen.
Let’s be honest. The world needs fixers. People who step in and take care of something. Most often, fixers do not want recognition or accolades. They just get it done.
One thing I can’t fix, no matter how hard I try?
Someone’s grief.
I can’t wipe away. Manage another person’s pain and disappointment. (Truth? I’m not sure I can manage my own sadness and hurt sometimes!) Wave a magic wand and have something difficult quickly fixed. Nope. I can’t do it.
Here’s the deal. Sometimes, we just want to do something, anything, to fix another person’s hurt and pain. What we fail to see is this. Grieving people aren’t broken. They are hurting. They don’t need fixing. They need compassion. Empathy. A listening ear. Someone who will show up and shut up and sit with them for as long as it takes.
Over and over again.
Greif isn’t like other things in our lives. We can’t swoop in, perform some amazing feat and fix it. Grief is much less tangible and predictable. It doesn’t follow a series of steps, one right after another. Nope, grief is random. Awkward. Never-ending. In fact, it often never really goes away.
Rather than trying to fix someone else’s grief, let’s try a different approach. Let’s discover how we can help them carry their grief. Or if the grief is your own, grant yourself permission to simply carry it. Day-after-day. Disappointment after disappointment. For as long as it takes.
What does carrying grief look like?
We accept that it may hang around. For a really long time.
We allow ourselves permission to take this journey and be okay with not being okay all the time.
We realize when we can’t carry it alone and ask for help in whatever way makes sense at the time.
We believe that we are doing the best that we can even when it feels otherwise.
We discover how we can find joy and sadness and carry both. At. The. Same. Time.
We discover the smallest bit of hope that we hang onto because there will be a day when the pain is ever-so-slightly less sharp.
We keep going. One step at a time. One day at a time. Doing the best we can at the moment we are in.
Yes, these are all far more complicated than just a few typed sentences. I get this. I also encourage us to begin where we are. With what feels okay for today. To lower our expectations so that everything does not feel so impossible. And we cheer ourselves and others for each tiny little step we take because we simply showed up and tried.
And this, my friends, is enough.
Can I ask you to extend a bit more compassion towards yourself today? Tomorrow every day? Your life doesn’t need fixing. It needs a compassionate guide and coach that shows up every day and loves it the way it can for today. Most often, we really are doing our best. May we not forget this.
Blessings –
Dianne
If you’re carrying grief that others may not see, you don’t have to carry it alone.
Join us for Grief with Grace: When Grief is Hidden, a free virtual workshop where we’ll explore hidden grief and make space for healing, understanding, and hope.
Tuesday, October 6 • 6:30 PM CT • Online via Zoom • Free
Come as you are. 💙
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